Finding Me

Life has been interesting of late: Sister got married, new year, brother still home, quit my job in a step of faith, almost done with school. Yeah, nothing really huge, but ultimately I've been really trying to find myself.

I'm 26. I was raised in a good family with parents and siblings who I know love and care about me. Typical Mormon raising, being taught right from wrong, to try and live the commandments and to respect my fellowmen. I went on a mission to Bolivia, of which I am eternally grateful, and have been home now for over 5 years. I graduated from Highschool almost 8 years ago, and well this is life.

As a Utah Mormon Boy, growing up meant certain mile stones. Up until I was 8, the milestone was getting baptized as a member of the Church my family belonged to, which happens to be the LDS church. Did I have a REAL, firm, testimony when I got baptized? Nope. Did I feel it was the right thing to do? Yes. Why? Because that's what I was taught. The next milestone, at least for me, was to get my Eagle Scout. Ages 11-14 was all about scouts; mutual as a deacon generally consisted of working on merit badges, or just doing something associated with scouts. Campouts, week long camps, and eventually, many merit badges later, Eagle at age 13 (or 14....) By this age, 14, I was in middle school and all that life consisted of was school. No job, no girlfriend (didn't really care too much yet...and I couldn't date either), which brings the next milestone: 16. Sixteen brought the "freedom", as it were, to drive and go about my own activities. I had my first job, started going on dates, and really this was a pretty life changing era of time. Motoring through high school, going to dances, hanging out with friends, going to concerts, life is becoming more social and more meaningful. I hit 18 in the beginning of my Senior year, so that wasn't really a huge milestone as it kinda happened during an already bigger part of life. The next milestone: Graduation. No problem. High school was, easy, right? I mean, you go to class, you do your assignments, you get good grades, and you finish. It just wasn't a big deal, at least to me. Next Milestone: Mission.

As a Mormon, growing up in Utah especially, and more specifically as a Mormon BOY, the mission is kind of the culminating milestone for your first 21 years of life. Everything you do in church is supposed to help you get ready for looming trial of a lifetime. And I say looming only in the sense of you knew it was coming, and it was going to be a big deal. Yeah, I had a testimony of the church, but it wasn't imprinted in my heart and soul as much as it is now. I will admit, I had never finished the Book of Mormon before the MTC, which is where I finished it for the first time and started gaining my own testimony.

Bolivia was a shocking experience, in so many ways and on so many levels. I really had no idea what to expect when I received my call to serve in the Bolivia, Santa Cruz mission. I knew where Bolivia was, that it was a Spanish speaking country, and that it would be a crazy experience. It was, completely. I sincerely grew to love the people I walked among for 2 years, and was truly sad to leave after that 2 year period was up. The mission really changes a lot of things about you, but it doesn't change who you ARE at the core, which is a very big misconception some people getting ready to go on a missions have. Some people think they'll go, become this spiritual giant, and come home and be praised for their goodness wherever they may go. Not true. In fact, I know of quite a few guys that returned home and have since lost their way. I will admit I have strayed a bit at times, but ultimately I know I am doing well right now and am on the right path, which brings me to the main point of this post. I'm 26, and STILL trying to find myself.

After so many milestones in life, you'd think a person would come to at least a semi-understanding of who they are and what they want from life. Yeah, I have a religion I believe in and know to be true; I'm in college, almost done with a Bachelors degree in a field I'm still not sure I really want to be in; I go on dates every once in a while, but ultimately I still feel lost in regards to who I am. The essence is of me establishing who I am, to myself and to those around me. I remember once instance being told that I "faked everyone out" on my mission from the letters I would write and such. Of course I never intended to fake anyone out of who I am, just it seems as you go through different phases of life, you are a different person.

I know I am a different person now than I was a year ago. I was living with my mission companion and some buddies in a House in Provo, but simply put, I just was not progressing. Then the best thing that could have happened to me, (of course I see this now) did: I got fired. Being fired forced me to move home and look for other opportunities. Since then I have been riding the bus to school everyday. Even riding the bus has given me a broader outlook on life. The world is full of so many different people, who each have their own issues going on and their own lives they are living. The other day there were two guys talking about having DUI's and not being able to drive. To them, that's the "norm". To me, that's insane. But what is the norm? Who decides what normal is for me? I really believe only one person can: Me.

Honestly, the next milestone in my life is to get married. Yeah I'm close to graduating, but if I want to use the bachelors I will have, Graduate school is a must. This means graduation doesn't mean a TON, at least not yet. My grades aren't stellar, which makes me believe it will be tough to actually get into a good school, if any at all. I don't doubt the choices I have made in my school career as I feel they are right for me, right now, but who knows.....maybe this year will bring something to light or something will change. I'm not obsessed with getting married, by any means, as I know it will happen eventually. However, my parents have been on me like white on rice to get married, well at least to date, but who can blame them? They had 2 kids by the time they were the age I am now, but times are different and so are people, of this I am sure. Of course I want to get married. I want the companionship, the love, and ultimately to achieve that milestone of my life. In a Mormon society, for a young man, it seems after the mission the only true milestone you have left is a "Regular" life: A career and a family. Hopefully along the way you can accomplish other goals you set for yourself, have adventures, and enjoy life. I suppose once you've reached that milestone, the next one is for retirement...but then what? I guess it just goes full circle.

I like where I am right now, I really do. I have a Mustache, which is something that is giving me an identity I never had before. And as dumb as it sounds, I feel like it's helping me be more confident in who I want to become. It's just something I changed, something small, that has made a difference in how I feel about myself. Yeah, Mustaches aren't the most popular facial hair, and unfortunately have been associated in our society with those of lesser moral values, but I feel like it's something that actually fits me. I even heard my Mom say she likes it. I'm not sure how long I'll keep it, but for now it's what I need to do, for me. Maybe this whole post is about selfishness, but in the end a person has to be somewhat selfish to figure out who they are. All I know is right now, I'm in it for the haul!

I'm alive

I'm not dead, or dying, or anything similar. I'm sure no one reads this...but in case you do, don't worry, I'll be writing something soon. I kind of have a lot to write about actually. Just be patient :)



I attempted a mustache a while ago. This is as gross as i let it get.

A Tribute to a Wonderful Grandmother: Mary Elizabeth Sorenson Mabey Matern

Monday June 9, 2008 my Grandmother Mabey, as I've known her my whole life, passed away. It's bitter sweet though. For the past 15 or 16 years she has had to deal with health issues. She hasn't been able to eat food for 15 years, and has just fought through so much. 2 years ago she suffered a stroke, and her health just went downhill. All i know is she is better off now. I hope she got to eat something the minute she got to wherever it is she went.... i mean i know what the Church believes, and i know what i believe and know, but no one really knows how it is exactly you know? I really loved my Grandma. I did. It's weird how before someone dies, you don't realize how much you have loved them. I will truly miss her. I really don't have any pictures with her or anything, but i just pulled the one off of her obituary. She was an amazing woman. She knew how to follow the savior and taught us to do that as well. I will miss you Grandma.

After some consideration, i decided i need to write more about my Grandma. And since I'm at work, on a Saturday, and it's dead slow...thank goodness...I will do it now!

OK, so i think the best way to go about this would be to write about the things i remember most. The biggest thing i remember about my Grandma Mabey, was really how much i meant to her. I don't think i really understood how much she loved me, or any of us for that matter. She was always asking about us; "How's Jeffrey. How's Camille. How's Kevin. How's Kelly. How's Rebbecca. How's Renae...." etc. I know she always thought about us grand kids, and worried about us. The last time i saw here was on Mother's Day this year, which would have been May 11, 2008. I remember she came rolling in, in her wheelchair my uncle pushing her. I saw her, and actually was kind of excited. She got a smile on her face and said "how are you Jeffrey?" Come to think of it, she's really the only person that ever called me Jeffrey. My parents used to back in high school when i was a rebellious teenager, and they would yell at me by my full name...but those days are over :) I just remember giving her a hug and telling her how things were. I didn't talk to her much...now i wish i had. But i guess you live and learn right?

There were many times growing up, many experiences and funny situations my cousins and I found ourselves in with her. We all remember having sleep overs at Grandma's house, and one time specifically when we were up like at 2:00 am...not really a late late hour for me these days...but back then when you are a kid, and you were supposed to be asleep at like 10 or 11 because you were sleeping at Grandma's house, not usually a good thing. Anyway, so we were being rambunctious and we heard her bedroom door open, we were in the family room which was pretty far from her room thus giving us notice of her arrival. By the time she got there, we were all under our covers trying to hold back laughter. I'm sure she saw us, and probably knew we were faking it...but i don't remember if she said anything, or just left. I don't remember this experience exactly...but i do remember that it happened on more than one occasion.

Her favorite phrase was "when can i have an hour?" The funny thing, as my Dad mentioned at her funeral, was it was an hour...every time you talked to her. Another famous phrase was "special special." She thought we were all so special, and she really loved us a ton. Even though her life was kind of...crappy to say the least...and she was often not in a good mood, i know who she was underneath. She loved people. She was all about family. She was all about the important things. I was sad to see her go, but I know she is in a happier place with her sweetheart...whom I've never met, and cannot wait to meet one day. Supposedly she loved to dance and sing and i know she loved music. At her funeral, all the grand kids sang "I wonder when he comes again." It was pretty emotional for all of us, but we got through it and i know the spirit was strong.

I remember on my mission in Bolivia, i would get letters often from her. Many times containing a $5 bill which really isn't much...but in Bolivia it goes pretty far. I laughed a lot at the things she would write. See, letters took like 3 weeks to get to the mission. By the time i got the letter she had written, i already knew half of the things she wrote about just from my parents emails 2 weeks earlier. Or, things my family forgot to mention. For example: "It was so special going to Austins recital the other night. It's so neat he's taking voice lessons." (Oh and btw, all her letters were typewriter written...i don't think she ever touched a computer her entire life...) I was like..."what, Austin is taking voice lessons? That's cool...good thing my parents never tell me anything." It seems when one goes on a mission, the family forgets to include the small details of everyday life at home. That's life i guess. Anyway, my Grandma became famous in all my zones. All the missionaries would ask "como esta tu abuelita. Te mando dinero? Que me vas a comprar? jajaj broma" Basically, i didn't go a week without getting some kind of letter, whether it was from grandma, a friend, or my uncles Mission newsletter. I saved a ton of her letters. I don't know where they are currently, but i think i should find them and read through them. She always told me how much she loved me and how proud of me she was. She did make me feel special :)

Another childhood memory was McDonalds runs. Ok...not the runs you get from eating McDonalds, but going with Grandma to eat at McDonalds. She would take us to get happy meals. Sometimes, she would go to McDonalds, and just buy the toys...or buy a happy meal for herself, and save the toys for us. I remember there was a drawer in her kitchen that always had happy meal toys in it. I always rumaged...i wonder if anyone else did this? She always had a treat for us too. Whether it was Little Debbie Cupcake things, cream soda, Creamscicle bars, cookies, a Grilled Cheese sandwich, or whatever. There was always something.

My Grandpa Mabey passed away when my Dad was 16 or 17...something around that. So i've never known him...except maybe in heaven. Anyway, point being my Grandma remarried and was married to Walt Matern for 30 years. Amazing...really...it's just crazy though because they weren't married in the temple. Just for time. So now that she's gone, it's kind of like...goodbye Walt. Except, i don't think that will happen. He helped my Grandma so much, through so much ish and crap, without him...i don't know honestly how long she would have lasted. She got frustrated at times and threatened separation and what not, but in the end, i know she loved him. And he loved her. I remember about a year ago, when they both fell, and he broke both hips, he was hospitalized. Grandma was ok, but she was alone at home with Janet (Walt's daughter who decided to move in to take care of both of them). I remember we went and picked her up once, and took her to see him. She walked in, and walked to his side and sat down, held his hand and said "i've missed you. How are you. Are you ok? What can i do for you?" My Grandma, who herself was having major health and motor problems, wanted to help him. It was touching, and a side i really never saw between the two of them. I'm thankful for Walt. He helped her so much. I'm sure one day, my Grandpa Mabey will be able to hug him, and thank him for watching out for her and My Dad as well. (My Dad grew up partially with Walt in the home)

Well I think this does more justice to my Grandma. I can't think of anything else specific to say about her. Writing this has made me slightly emotional. I just know that she loved our family, she raved about the kids, the grand kids and all that we were to her. I know there were some familiy members who may have clashed with her at times, myself included. But we knew how much she loved us, and I know how much we loved her. We will miss her. We miss you already Grandma.