Life has been interesting of late: Sister got married, new year, brother still home, quit my job in a step of faith, almost done with school. Yeah, nothing really huge, but ultimately I've been really trying to find myself.
I'm 26. I was raised in a good family with parents and siblings who I know love and care about me. Typical Mormon raising, being taught right from wrong, to try and live the commandments and to respect my fellowmen. I went on a mission to Bolivia, of which I am eternally grateful, and have been home now for over 5 years. I graduated from Highschool almost 8 years ago, and well this is life.
As a Utah Mormon Boy, growing up meant certain mile stones. Up until I was 8, the milestone was getting baptized as a member of the Church my family belonged to, which happens to be the LDS church. Did I have a REAL, firm, testimony when I got baptized? Nope. Did I feel it was the right thing to do? Yes. Why? Because that's what I was taught. The next milestone, at least for me, was to get my Eagle Scout. Ages 11-14 was all about scouts; mutual as a deacon generally consisted of working on merit badges, or just doing something associated with scouts. Campouts, week long camps, and eventually, many merit badges later, Eagle at age 13 (or 14....) By this age, 14, I was in middle school and all that life consisted of was school. No job, no girlfriend (didn't really care too much yet...and I couldn't date either), which brings the next milestone: 16. Sixteen brought the "freedom", as it were, to drive and go about my own activities. I had my first job, started going on dates, and really this was a pretty life changing era of time. Motoring through high school, going to dances, hanging out with friends, going to concerts, life is becoming more social and more meaningful. I hit 18 in the beginning of my Senior year, so that wasn't really a huge milestone as it kinda happened during an already bigger part of life. The next milestone: Graduation. No problem. High school was, easy, right? I mean, you go to class, you do your assignments, you get good grades, and you finish. It just wasn't a big deal, at least to me. Next Milestone: Mission.
As a Mormon, growing up in Utah especially, and more specifically as a Mormon BOY, the mission is kind of the culminating milestone for your first 21 years of life. Everything you do in church is supposed to help you get ready for looming trial of a lifetime. And I say looming only in the sense of you knew it was coming, and it was going to be a big deal. Yeah, I had a testimony of the church, but it wasn't imprinted in my heart and soul as much as it is now. I will admit, I had never finished the Book of Mormon before the MTC, which is where I finished it for the first time and started gaining my own testimony.
Bolivia was a shocking experience, in so many ways and on so many levels. I really had no idea what to expect when I received my call to serve in the Bolivia, Santa Cruz mission. I knew where Bolivia was, that it was a Spanish speaking country, and that it would be a crazy experience. It was, completely. I sincerely grew to love the people I walked among for 2 years, and was truly sad to leave after that 2 year period was up. The mission really changes a lot of things about you, but it doesn't change who you ARE at the core, which is a very big misconception some people getting ready to go on a missions have. Some people think they'll go, become this spiritual giant, and come home and be praised for their goodness wherever they may go. Not true. In fact, I know of quite a few guys that returned home and have since lost their way. I will admit I have strayed a bit at times, but ultimately I know I am doing well right now and am on the right path, which brings me to the main point of this post. I'm 26, and STILL trying to find myself.
After so many milestones in life, you'd think a person would come to at least a semi-understanding of who they are and what they want from life. Yeah, I have a religion I believe in and know to be true; I'm in college, almost done with a Bachelors degree in a field I'm still not sure I really want to be in; I go on dates every once in a while, but ultimately I still feel lost in regards to who I am. The essence is of me establishing who I am, to myself and to those around me. I remember once instance being told that I "faked everyone out" on my mission from the letters I would write and such. Of course I never intended to fake anyone out of who I am, just it seems as you go through different phases of life, you are a different person.
I know I am a different person now than I was a year ago. I was living with my mission companion and some buddies in a House in Provo, but simply put, I just was not progressing. Then the best thing that could have happened to me, (of course I see this now) did: I got fired. Being fired forced me to move home and look for other opportunities. Since then I have been riding the bus to school everyday. Even riding the bus has given me a broader outlook on life. The world is full of so many different people, who each have their own issues going on and their own lives they are living. The other day there were two guys talking about having DUI's and not being able to drive. To them, that's the "norm". To me, that's insane. But what is the norm? Who decides what normal is for me? I really believe only one person can: Me.
Honestly, the next milestone in my life is to get married. Yeah I'm close to graduating, but if I want to use the bachelors I will have, Graduate school is a must. This means graduation doesn't mean a TON, at least not yet. My grades aren't stellar, which makes me believe it will be tough to actually get into a good school, if any at all. I don't doubt the choices I have made in my school career as I feel they are right for me, right now, but who knows.....maybe this year will bring something to light or something will change. I'm not obsessed with getting married, by any means, as I know it will happen eventually. However, my parents have been on me like white on rice to get married, well at least to date, but who can blame them? They had 2 kids by the time they were the age I am now, but times are different and so are people, of this I am sure. Of course I want to get married. I want the companionship, the love, and ultimately to achieve that milestone of my life. In a Mormon society, for a young man, it seems after the mission the only true milestone you have left is a "Regular" life: A career and a family. Hopefully along the way you can accomplish other goals you set for yourself, have adventures, and enjoy life. I suppose once you've reached that milestone, the next one is for retirement...but then what? I guess it just goes full circle.
I like where I am right now, I really do. I have a Mustache, which is something that is giving me an identity I never had before. And as dumb as it sounds, I feel like it's helping me be more confident in who I want to become. It's just something I changed, something small, that has made a difference in how I feel about myself. Yeah, Mustaches aren't the most popular facial hair, and unfortunately have been associated in our society with those of lesser moral values, but I feel like it's something that actually fits me. I even heard my Mom say she likes it. I'm not sure how long I'll keep it, but for now it's what I need to do, for me. Maybe this whole post is about selfishness, but in the end a person has to be somewhat selfish to figure out who they are. All I know is right now, I'm in it for the haul!
