Nothing in Particular

Right now, i have nothing in particular to talk about. I can't even think of something to just go off on. But all i know is i miss writing, and it's been awhile. I think i will compose a list of things I have always wanted to do, or do before i die. Also known as a bucket list. (The movie was ok...Morgan Freeman is one of my heroes, so it would make sense that i liked it. Other than him being in it, it wasn't that great.) I'm sure i will add to it more, maybe on a separate post, or this one. I dunno.

Bueno, Ya viene.

Jefe's Bucket List (in no particular order)

1. Travel the world-Basically i just want to take like 2 years and go everywhere. All through S. America (Knowing Spanish makes that easier, and more enjoyable). Asia, Europe-Italy, France, More of Spain, England, Ireland, etc. Finland, Greenland, Alaska
2. See every state in the U.S.
   
3. Go to Antarctica
4. Scuba dive a pirate ship wreck
   
5. Learn the harmonica
6. Learn the Piano
7. Read the WHOLE Bible (I know i should have done this by now, but i have not. So sue me!)
   
8. Learn how to cook....well....
9. Learn Dueling Banjos on the Banjo...and the guitar
10. Learn to PLAY the Banjo
11. Sleep an entire day
12. Buy a motorcycle
13. Eat Sushi
14. Start my own company
15. Name one of my future daughters Cielo
16. Grow a mustache
17. Be able to run a mile in 5 minutes
18. Be on TV
19. Record a song with me playing all the parts
20. Donate a million dollars to a Charity
21. Have a picture I've taken published in a newspaper or magazine
22. Catch a fly ball
23. Sit on the front row at the NBA Finals (only if the Jazz are in it)
24. Own a Porsche
25. Pet Rat
26. Have a dog named Gozath
27. Build a car from the bottom up
28. Graduate from School
    
29. Go Skydiving
    
30. Last for now, but definitely not least: Get married in the temple and have a family. (corny i know, but true)

Ok. So there is my list. It's in no particular order, and there are some things that are more important to me than others, but since there is no order, no one will ever know!! HAHAHA...k that was unnecessary. Hasta luego para ahora.

This is my Take

Well People...it seems things didn't work out with Allison. I know some of my previous posts may have alluded to me saying she really was the chosen one, but let me give my philosophy on this. Is there really a soul mate for everyone? I don't believe so. Even an Apostle, i can't remember who, said that any two members of the church that uphold the standards and morals, could work well together and be a happy eternal couple/family. Now of course by no means am i saying that ANYONE would be perfect for me...since there are personalities that clash, and some things just can't be worked out. As far as Allison goes, here's my take.

I met Allison during a time in my life when i was really kind of starting to feel like nothing good would come to me. She came to me, and it was amazing. Every moment i spent with her, was just amazing and i didn't have any worries in the world. Of course most people would say "you're crazy for letting her go," but as happy as i was, i just didn't feel like it was going to be a permanent thing. I don't know why. I can't explain it. And to this day, i cannot for the life of me begin to understand why things have worked out the way they did. I heard a quote, or something, that talked about how people come into your lives during a "season" for different reasons. (no rhyme intended) Do i truly believe that it was meant to be for us to meet. Yes. Absolutely. I learned many many things from Allison. One of them: The feeling of truly being loved, and to feel a love for someone "unico" (only...solely...). I know that in the future, I will be able to tell the difference between a "crush" and love, whereas I wouldn't have been able to before. Another thing, and although this is more on the physical side, I finally got my first kiss. AND for the record, it WAS amazing, and i DO NOT regret kissing her one bit. I was fortunate enough to be one of the lucky few people in this world who didn't have a "Wasted first kiss." I truly felt it meant something. It did mean something. She is an amazing kisser, and i truly do envy the guy that ends up with her. One other thing i really really learned was more of many things...i just learned what i want in my future wife. I know the qualities i will look for, and the qualities i need to have in my life. I know what i deserve now. I deserve someone like Allison. Someone that will love me unconditionally for who i am and what i stand for. Someone that loves our Heavenly Father as much as i do.

So my question to myself, and to any of you out there reading this: Why not Allison? You didn't give it enough time! Well sometimes time is just not needed to know. We could date for 2 years and i could feel the same way the whole time, and it would have been 2 years when either one of us could have found our future spouse. Like i said, i cannot answer this question. From the first time i had this "Doubt" i have not understood it at all. It doesn't make sense. But i do know how i feel, and how i've felt, and what i need in my life currently. I do not want to lose her of course, but it seems it was the best option for me, for us, to move on with our lives. I've never really "abandoned" someone before that i have liked, or had a thing with, or dated. I've normally stayed friends with them...well until now. And i'm hoping to do the same with her. I think we may need some time apart and such to get over it, but i know we can be good friends, even though it is not something she is used to. :)

Will i find someone exactly like her? I hope not, since no two people are exactly alike. Will i find someone who will hate to say good bye to me at 3 am? Maybe not. Will i find someone who can and will love me like she does/has? I sure hope so. I am sad, but i am happy too because i know things will work out for the best for both of us. She is an amazing person, and deserves someone amazing and will get it in her life. People come into our lives for a season, for a time, for a reason. For what that is, only we can know. I know why she came into my life, and no one can take that away from me. I will always cherish and hold close the experiences i shared with her.

So now that this stage of my life is over, for now, i'm not sure what will happen. Of course i will go on dating other girls. But i think now, i might have more confidence where as i may not have had much before. Yet another reason. Thanks to all of you who have cared, and shown interest in my well being. I find that more people read, or at least hear about my blog, than i may have previously thought. THANKS! And again, i'm just trying to go about my life and be good at it. Doing the best i can. Doing the best i know how!

A Tribute to a Wonderful Grandmother: Mary Elizabeth Sorenson Mabey Matern

Monday June 9, 2008 my Grandmother Mabey, as I've known her my whole life, passed away. It's bitter sweet though. For the past 15 or 16 years she has had to deal with health issues. She hasn't been able to eat food for 15 years, and has just fought through so much. 2 years ago she suffered a stroke, and her health just went downhill. All i know is she is better off now. I hope she got to eat something the minute she got to wherever it is she went.... i mean i know what the Church believes, and i know what i believe and know, but no one really knows how it is exactly you know? I really loved my Grandma. I did. It's weird how before someone dies, you don't realize how much you have loved them. I will truly miss her. I really don't have any pictures with her or anything, but i just pulled the one off of her obituary. She was an amazing woman. She knew how to follow the savior and taught us to do that as well. I will miss you Grandma.

After some consideration, i decided i need to write more about my Grandma. And since I'm at work, on a Saturday, and it's dead slow...thank goodness...I will do it now!

OK, so i think the best way to go about this would be to write about the things i remember most. The biggest thing i remember about my Grandma Mabey, was really how much i meant to her. I don't think i really understood how much she loved me, or any of us for that matter. She was always asking about us; "How's Jeffrey. How's Camille. How's Kevin. How's Kelly. How's Rebbecca. How's Renae...." etc. I know she always thought about us grand kids, and worried about us. The last time i saw here was on Mother's Day this year, which would have been May 11, 2008. I remember she came rolling in, in her wheelchair my uncle pushing her. I saw her, and actually was kind of excited. She got a smile on her face and said "how are you Jeffrey?" Come to think of it, she's really the only person that ever called me Jeffrey. My parents used to back in high school when i was a rebellious teenager, and they would yell at me by my full name...but those days are over :) I just remember giving her a hug and telling her how things were. I didn't talk to her much...now i wish i had. But i guess you live and learn right?

There were many times growing up, many experiences and funny situations my cousins and I found ourselves in with her. We all remember having sleep overs at Grandma's house, and one time specifically when we were up like at 2:00 am...not really a late late hour for me these days...but back then when you are a kid, and you were supposed to be asleep at like 10 or 11 because you were sleeping at Grandma's house, not usually a good thing. Anyway, so we were being rambunctious and we heard her bedroom door open, we were in the family room which was pretty far from her room thus giving us notice of her arrival. By the time she got there, we were all under our covers trying to hold back laughter. I'm sure she saw us, and probably knew we were faking it...but i don't remember if she said anything, or just left. I don't remember this experience exactly...but i do remember that it happened on more than one occasion.

Her favorite phrase was "when can i have an hour?" The funny thing, as my Dad mentioned at her funeral, was it was an hour...every time you talked to her. Another famous phrase was "special special." She thought we were all so special, and she really loved us a ton. Even though her life was kind of...crappy to say the least...and she was often not in a good mood, i know who she was underneath. She loved people. She was all about family. She was all about the important things. I was sad to see her go, but I know she is in a happier place with her sweetheart...whom I've never met, and cannot wait to meet one day. Supposedly she loved to dance and sing and i know she loved music. At her funeral, all the grand kids sang "I wonder when he comes again." It was pretty emotional for all of us, but we got through it and i know the spirit was strong.

I remember on my mission in Bolivia, i would get letters often from her. Many times containing a $5 bill which really isn't much...but in Bolivia it goes pretty far. I laughed a lot at the things she would write. See, letters took like 3 weeks to get to the mission. By the time i got the letter she had written, i already knew half of the things she wrote about just from my parents emails 2 weeks earlier. Or, things my family forgot to mention. For example: "It was so special going to Austins recital the other night. It's so neat he's taking voice lessons." (Oh and btw, all her letters were typewriter written...i don't think she ever touched a computer her entire life...) I was like..."what, Austin is taking voice lessons? That's cool...good thing my parents never tell me anything." It seems when one goes on a mission, the family forgets to include the small details of everyday life at home. That's life i guess. Anyway, my Grandma became famous in all my zones. All the missionaries would ask "como esta tu abuelita. Te mando dinero? Que me vas a comprar? jajaj broma" Basically, i didn't go a week without getting some kind of letter, whether it was from grandma, a friend, or my uncles Mission newsletter. I saved a ton of her letters. I don't know where they are currently, but i think i should find them and read through them. She always told me how much she loved me and how proud of me she was. She did make me feel special :)

Another childhood memory was McDonalds runs. Ok...not the runs you get from eating McDonalds, but going with Grandma to eat at McDonalds. She would take us to get happy meals. Sometimes, she would go to McDonalds, and just buy the toys...or buy a happy meal for herself, and save the toys for us. I remember there was a drawer in her kitchen that always had happy meal toys in it. I always rumaged...i wonder if anyone else did this? She always had a treat for us too. Whether it was Little Debbie Cupcake things, cream soda, Creamscicle bars, cookies, a Grilled Cheese sandwich, or whatever. There was always something.

My Grandpa Mabey passed away when my Dad was 16 or 17...something around that. So i've never known him...except maybe in heaven. Anyway, point being my Grandma remarried and was married to Walt Matern for 30 years. Amazing...really...it's just crazy though because they weren't married in the temple. Just for time. So now that she's gone, it's kind of like...goodbye Walt. Except, i don't think that will happen. He helped my Grandma so much, through so much ish and crap, without him...i don't know honestly how long she would have lasted. She got frustrated at times and threatened separation and what not, but in the end, i know she loved him. And he loved her. I remember about a year ago, when they both fell, and he broke both hips, he was hospitalized. Grandma was ok, but she was alone at home with Janet (Walt's daughter who decided to move in to take care of both of them). I remember we went and picked her up once, and took her to see him. She walked in, and walked to his side and sat down, held his hand and said "i've missed you. How are you. Are you ok? What can i do for you?" My Grandma, who herself was having major health and motor problems, wanted to help him. It was touching, and a side i really never saw between the two of them. I'm thankful for Walt. He helped her so much. I'm sure one day, my Grandpa Mabey will be able to hug him, and thank him for watching out for her and My Dad as well. (My Dad grew up partially with Walt in the home)

Well I think this does more justice to my Grandma. I can't think of anything else specific to say about her. Writing this has made me slightly emotional. I just know that she loved our family, she raved about the kids, the grand kids and all that we were to her. I know there were some familiy members who may have clashed with her at times, myself included. But we knew how much she loved us, and I know how much we loved her. We will miss her. We miss you already Grandma.

Dazed, Confused, Sad and in a Conundrum

So i know i told you all to keep a look out on the Allison Kaye Parker situation. Here is the update.

Monday May 26th, 2008

Even though it was a holiday, and i could have had it off work, i still decided to work. Time and a half has a nice ring to it. Allison and I both were extremely nervous for this day, we didn't know what to really expect. But honestly, it turned out to be one of the best days/dates of my life.

After a lot of annoying people calling me, i got off work around 1:00 pm. Since this is our first date, and to kind of have neutral ground and for convenience purposes, we decided to meet in Sandy for lunch at Chili's. I got there first, since Ally decided to be lazy and sleep in and take forever making herself pretty for me, but i didn't mind. Her being a little late, gave me a chance to do something i had been planning on doing for a long time and was really excited about: Buying her flowers. A long time ago, she had told me her favorite two flowers were White Roses and Pink Lily's. I had never forgotten, and found it only appropriate to buy some for her. I stopped in Draper at a flower store, and went and picked some out and had them wrapped up and put together nicely. I was pretty much freaking out, it was the first time i'd ever done such a thing. I just hoped she would like them. So i got to Chili's and decided to leave them in the car for after lunch when we left to go do whatever. I got to Chili's around 2:15 and just waited for her to get there. She texted me at 2:30 saying she was there. She walked in, and i looked around the corner and our eyes met for the first time. Of course we had a big hug, and just huge smiles on both of our faces. We sat down and just started talking. It was a little weird at first, just seeing how we were so used to talking on the phone or through other methods, but i still felt like there was a connection. Lunch went well. We talked, and laughed, and actually saw how the other reacted to certain things. It was great.

We left Chili's and went out to my car. I had mentioned to her during lunch that i had gotten her something....i didn't want to mention this, it just kind of slipped out. So when we got to the car, i walked with her to the passenger side and opened the door and reached in and pulled out the flowers. She was pretty happy about it, and said she loved them. I just really wanted this date to be special, and so far it was going well. I knew she would love them and it made me happy that she was happy. We got in the car, and started driving to our first activity. Duck feeding.

I have NO IDEA how we got on the topic of feeding ducks one night, but we decided it would be fun to do as part of our first date. Since it was raining, we didn't really think we would have much luck finding ducks anywhere. We went up to her friend Sarah's' apartment to see if the usual ducks would be out. We pulled up and saw 4 ducks in the pond, enough we figured to get some bread and feed. We went to a gas station, strike 1: No bread....what gas station doesn't have bread? Seriously. Luckily there happened to be a Smith's across the street, AND a bargain stand with really cheap bread. I think we got like a whole loaf and some rolls for like less than $2. It was amazing. We pulled up to the pond, and after sitting in the car listening to Muse for a little bit, we went to go feed our little friends. Strike 2: Apparently some ducks just aren't that intelligent. The stupid ducks in the pond would NOT come over to where we were throwing the bread. I don't know if they weren't hungry, or scared of us, or the rain made them afraid. Whatever it was, they didn't want bread. Lame. But we saw some other ones on the grass waddling around, and went and fed them....they must have been the smart Duck family. They got full and kind of walked away, so we walked around trying to find other ones to feed...Strike 3: No more ducks. We were ok with it though, since it was kind of dreary outside and our feet were cold (we were both wearing flip flops and it was raining). We were originally going to go to Boondock's, but since it was bad weather, it wasn't really the best option. We decided on Nickelcade....yeah hadn't been there since i was like 12.

Who knew with $5 in nickels, you could have so much fun! Of course the games weren't amazing, and some of them wouldn't even work together, but i think we spent more than half of our money on Time Crisis. The other half was on Basketball, driving games, pin ball, and other stuff It was pretty sweet. At the end, we wasted the last of our nickels on a game to try and win some tickets. Since we only had like 20 tickets total, and didn't really care to get a bouncy ball, we gave them away to little kids. We were walking out, and i chose my kid. I said hi to him and he looked at me like as if i were going to hurt him, then i handed him a bunch of tickets. His face lit up, and his sisters eyes bulged. It was a great feeling giving away 20 tickets :) After Nickelcade, we didn't really have a lot planned. Our only plan was to go to Indian Jones later that night around 8:30. We decided to go up to my parents house so i could show my mom pictures and videos from Spain, and so Allison could meet them. I know some of you might say "Wow she met your family on the first date..." but that really just is how my family roles. They are casual and friendly, and it's normal for them to meet dates. So we spent some time there, going through my pictures to Spain (which i still need to finish on here...) and then we all went to dinner together at Spaghetti Mama's down at Jordan Commons. Allison had a riot laughing at my brother, and at my parents, and at our family. Basically my family is crazy, and if you can laugh with us...you will fit right in :)

Indiana Jones was ok. It wasn't amazing. I know there are some people who would say it was the worst movie ever made, but i still think it was pretty good. It WAS after all Indiana Jones. You couldn't expect it to vary to far from the original feeling of the older movies, even if it DID have aliens in it. So the whole time, well from after lunch up until the end of the night, we were both just extremely comfortable with each other. Holding hands, cuddling, and what not. We just clicked, everything felt so normal, so natural. It was great. After the movie, we decided to go back up to my house to just kind of hang out some more, and just be with each other. I told her we had a pac-man machine at our house, and she was totally stoked to play it. We played Pac-man for about a half hour and just had fun together. Then we decided to watch the Muse concert (did i mention we are both huge fans of Muse?) that i had told her about. I gave it to my brother for his bday, so we had it at my parents house. We turned it on and sat down on the couch and were just cuddled and watched Muse be amazing on stage. I asked her if she would rub my shoulders for me, because they were in oodles of pain for whatever reason. They always are. During this time, i was just engrossed in the feeling of her touching me and easing my pain. She then decided to massage my head...yeah it was amazing. After this she just put her arms around me and decided to hold on to me for what seemed like forever, but was probably only a few minutes. The time spent with her, just doesn't feel like time at all. It just goes by and i wouldn't even know or care how long it was. After this experience, i got up and sat on the couch again, but this time with her laying down and resting her head on my chest. She turned around and looked up at me and just stared me in the eyes. During this time i just wanted to make her happy and do what i could to make her comfortable. I ran my fingers on her head and through her hair and just was happy to be around her. Ok...so the next part was pretty dang awesome. I was doing the above mentioned, and she opened her eyes and kind of caught me looking at her...she says i was staring, but that sounds stalkerish.....but i was looking at her. She asked "what are you thinking" i said "nothing really" Then she made a pouty face. If any of you know Allison, the pouty face is pretty much one of the funnies and most adorable things in the world. Anyway i said "if you don't get that pouty face off, i'm going to have to kiss it off." Then she made it again, and i kissed her. It was pretty much amazing....and since it was my first kiss, and not rushed, and really awesome, it just made the moment that much better. I forgot to mention, that this whole time my brother had been in the room, but with his back turned to us playing his computer game. All i know is heard him say something, i looked up and saw him whip around to his computer screen....yeah we got caught on 3 levels. 1. My first kiss. 2. Our first kiss. 3. By my BROTHER. It was pretty hilarious. We were laughing for like 10 minutes after that and kissed again but stopped so we would gross him out. We finished the concert, and left. I took her back to her car around 2:15 am. We talked for a minute, and then we kissed again. All the kissing this night, were pretty much amazing. I hadn't ever had previous experience with kissing, but what i do know is that it was better than what you see in the movies. It was awesome.

The next couple days were interesting. The whole reality of the situation kind of scared me a little bit, and i kind of got cold feet. But, i got over it and was way excited to go out with her again. The original plan was to go with her mom and work down to Wendover. I guess her mom works with elderly people, and every once in awhile they take the "Fun Bus" down to Wendover to gamble and what not. Since i really didn't want to gamble, and she had the day off anyway, she decided just to stay and spend the day with me. I had gotten work off also to go with her, so i didn't have to worry about it either.

The night before, we were up until i believe it was close to 4 or 5....yeah this was a normal occurrence up until this point. We both woke up around 11 and i made my way up there and got there around 12:30 or so. Basically she attacked me :) JK, but she just gave me a big hug and we went into her house. I met her sister Ashley, and saw the flowers and a little bit of her house. Then we talked and kissed for a little bit. We were sitting on the couch totally making out, when we heard the front door open. Anyone that has ever been caught kissing or making out, knows what it does to you and your heart. Basically you freak out, your heart starts racing and you start sweating. So her brother walks in, totally taken back at the sight of us. It wasn't anything gross or bad, it was just him being startled....he said hi and just kept walking. Basically that ended everything. We were, again, laughing hysterically and decided it was time to leave. We went out to eat at a Thai restaurant, enjoyed each others company, and then headed up to Salt Lake. We went to the planetarium and goofed around. Here's the only picture of us together in existence :)

We went to an I-max movie called "Mummies: The secret of the Pharaohs" or something like that. Honestly, it wasn't that good, but we really didn't care since we were just worried about us being together. After the movie, we went out and walked around in some of the stores at Gateway. She bought me ice cream, and some chocolate covered cherries for self...which i only ever saw her eat like 2 of....odd. Then we went to the Lovesac store, and were basically hounded to buy one... "I'll knock $50 off right now for you!" No thanks...I'll buy something when I WANT it not when YOU WANT me to. Our plan was to meet my sister and the guy she was dating, as well as my buddy Jake and his fiance, all for dinner. We met them at Olive Garden and had a lot of fun. Everyone got along, and was laughing, and just having a good time. Then we decided to go back up to our house to play games and do whatever. Since it was a Thursday night, it wasn't like everyone could be out way late or whatever. Jake had to work early, so they left around 10 or so. But it was fun just hanging out and being with other people too. ( we played a game and somehow Niga Turtles came up...ask Allison...hahaha)

So in a nutshell, those were the two nights. We ended the Thursday date watching Snow White (Ally hadn't seen it), cuddling, and kissing. We left my house around 1:00, and i got back to Provo around 2:15 am. It was a great night, and a great time. I felt so good after our date, that everything was going perfect and nothing could go wrong. We just have so much fun together, we get along, we are so similar it's scary, and everything was awesome. I just didn't think anything could happen....of course with that lead, anyone could tell what i will talk about next is that something did go wrong....it did, but it didn't at the same time. Let me explain.

Basically, Allison is the first person I've ever actually come to love. I know it's hard for anyone to accept that since I've only known her for 3 weeks, but i know it is possible. We talked so many nights til 2 or 3 am, some even til 5 or 6. We just know so much about each other, so many small details, so many things that we have trusted each other immensely. I really feel like i have a best friend. One that i can confide anything in, and tell anything and not worry about what they will think. My cousin once told me, to just become best friend with someone and when they are your best friend, the rest will follow. Now i don't know if it just my fear of being serious, commitment, getting hurt, wanting to date other girls, anything. I don't know. All i know, is my feelings as of right now are this. I love Allison Parker. Whether it be just as a person, a friend, a soul mate, or whatever you want to call it. I just know i haven't ever felt the way i do about her with anyone else. However, there is a side of me i can't explain. A side that tells me i still need to date other people. I have a couple theories about why these feelings arose. 1. Since it is my first time NOT BEING hurt, i could have a psychological problem making me think it will eventually get to the point where i will be hurt, and i'd better break it off before anyone else hurts me. 2. I'm not ready for commitment. It doesn't mean i CAN'T commit, i'm just not ready for a serious relationship. It's odd though, when you get something you want...then you have it and you realize you didn't actually want it yet...yeah kind of crazy. or 3. There is someone i need to help first before i can be serious with someone else. I don't know. It might be far fetched to say the spirit is telling me to date other people, date Allison, and just see where things go. But it's so hard. I know how she feels about me, i know how i feel, and i have an immense inner turmoil eating me away. I just need to figure this out. It's so hard and confusing and doesn't make any sense at all. I want to be with her, and not hurt her. I know i have already hurt her, and i already hurt myself. So anyway, that is the update on the Allison Kaye Parker situation.

Today during Bishop Interviews (i'm the exec. sec. of my ward, thus i'm there with the bishop while he does interviews, giving me time to do whatever i want) I wrote down my feelings. It just came out in lines...like a poem or something, bu not really...here i'll just write it and you can decide.

HOW CAN I FEEL THIS WAY, AFTER SO MUCH YOU HAVE PUT ME THROUGH. YOU LOOK INTO MY EYES, YOU'VE SEEN THE PAIN DEEP WITHIN MY SOUL. YOU CAN'T LET GO, I CAN'T SEE WHY. EVERYTHING MATTERS, NOTHING MATTERS. LIFE WILL GO ON, THE WORLD WILL COME TO A STOP. A HALT. A PAUSE. THE EARTH SPINS UNCONTROLLABLY. LAUGHING OUT LOUD UNCONTROLLABLY ECHOING IN SPHERES OF CHAOS AND WONDER. HEARTS POUNDING. FINGERS TREMBLING. TEARS FALLING. SHAKY VOICES. ROSES BLOOMING. IN THIS WORLD OF CHAOS, WE ARE BUT A SMALL PART OF AN UNFATHOMABLE UNIVERSE. POUNDING, SWIRLING, EVER CHANGING. SILENCE IS BLISS TO HER EARS. BEING WRAPPED IN HIS ARMS, NO CARES OR WORRIES IN THE WORLD. THIS IS ALL SHE REALLY WANTED. TO BE LOVED BY ONE WITHOUT ANY WORRY, OR ANY FEAR OF BEING LOST IN A WORLD OF HURT. NEVER BEFORE WAS A STRONGER LOVE KNOWN IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. YET THE WORLD CALLS. NO ONE KNOWS WHY, OR CAN UNDERSTAND THE REASON. NEITHER ONE OF THEM CAN COMPREHEND THE WHY, THE HOW, THE REASON. IS THERE A REASON? WHY CAN'T THIS BE EASY. WHY CAN'T IT ALL MAKE SENSE. AREN'T' WE HERE TO BE LOVED? WHAT DOES THE WORD LOVE MEAN. IS IT JUST, TO BELIEVE, LOVE IS ONLY A FEELING? LOVE IS AN ACTION. LOVE IS A SUBSTANCE YOU CAN BREATHE IN, EAT, DRINK, TOUCH. LOVE IS REAL. HURT IS REAL. PAIN IS REAL. WHY DO TWO OPPOSITE WORDS GO SO WELL TOGETHER. THEY WALK HAND IN HAND. IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS WAY. IT IS NOT FAIR. THE ANIMALS DO NOT GO THROUGH THIS. IS IT BETTER TO HAVE NO EMOTIONS? TO LIVE THE LIFE A DOG, A CAT, A FROG, A MOUSE. THE ONLY WORRY OF LIFE IS TO EAT AND SLEEP. TO FALL IN A SLUMBER OF DEEP DREAMS, NEVER WISHING, NEVER WONDERING OR FALTERING ABOUT ANYTHING. THE BLISS OF BEING IN LOVE . THE JOY OF FEELING LOVED. YET IT CAN NOT BE. THE REASON UNKNOWN, BUT ACCEPTED. TIME WILL PASS. THEY WILL MOVE ON. PERHAPS ONE DAY, THEY WILL KNOWS, AND COME TO TERMS OF PEACE, PERHAPS IN THE ARMS OF ANOTHER, PERHAPS IN THE ARMS OF EACH OTHER. ONLY TIME WILL TELL. LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST, THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT. TO BE HAPPY, IS TO BE ALIVE. TO BE ALIVE IS TO BE A PART OF THIS WORLD AND GOD'S PLAN.

That's it. It's all scattered, and probably doesn't make sense. But it makes sense to me, and i promise on my life that it will all make perfect sense to Allison. I wrote it all in caps because that's how i wrote it on paper. It took up two sides of a page. The words were just coming to me, and spewing out of my pen. I felt like a writer...it was quite intriguing.

So anyway mi gente, that's my update. I'm sorry it wasn't the best blog ever. But i feel good about it. I know things will work out for the best. I know what will happen will happen, and if things are meant to be, well they will become what they will. I'm just trying to live life and be good at it the best i can and know how!