Nothing in Particular

Right now, i have nothing in particular to talk about. I can't even think of something to just go off on. But all i know is i miss writing, and it's been awhile. I think i will compose a list of things I have always wanted to do, or do before i die. Also known as a bucket list. (The movie was ok...Morgan Freeman is one of my heroes, so it would make sense that i liked it. Other than him being in it, it wasn't that great.) I'm sure i will add to it more, maybe on a separate post, or this one. I dunno.

Bueno, Ya viene.

Jefe's Bucket List (in no particular order)

1. Travel the world-Basically i just want to take like 2 years and go everywhere. All through S. America (Knowing Spanish makes that easier, and more enjoyable). Asia, Europe-Italy, France, More of Spain, England, Ireland, etc. Finland, Greenland, Alaska
2. See every state in the U.S.
   
3. Go to Antarctica
4. Scuba dive a pirate ship wreck
   
5. Learn the harmonica
6. Learn the Piano
7. Read the WHOLE Bible (I know i should have done this by now, but i have not. So sue me!)
   
8. Learn how to cook....well....
9. Learn Dueling Banjos on the Banjo...and the guitar
10. Learn to PLAY the Banjo
11. Sleep an entire day
12. Buy a motorcycle
13. Eat Sushi
14. Start my own company
15. Name one of my future daughters Cielo
16. Grow a mustache
17. Be able to run a mile in 5 minutes
18. Be on TV
19. Record a song with me playing all the parts
20. Donate a million dollars to a Charity
21. Have a picture I've taken published in a newspaper or magazine
22. Catch a fly ball
23. Sit on the front row at the NBA Finals (only if the Jazz are in it)
24. Own a Porsche
25. Pet Rat
26. Have a dog named Gozath
27. Build a car from the bottom up
28. Graduate from School
    
29. Go Skydiving
    
30. Last for now, but definitely not least: Get married in the temple and have a family. (corny i know, but true)

Ok. So there is my list. It's in no particular order, and there are some things that are more important to me than others, but since there is no order, no one will ever know!! HAHAHA...k that was unnecessary. Hasta luego para ahora.

This is my Take

Well People...it seems things didn't work out with Allison. I know some of my previous posts may have alluded to me saying she really was the chosen one, but let me give my philosophy on this. Is there really a soul mate for everyone? I don't believe so. Even an Apostle, i can't remember who, said that any two members of the church that uphold the standards and morals, could work well together and be a happy eternal couple/family. Now of course by no means am i saying that ANYONE would be perfect for me...since there are personalities that clash, and some things just can't be worked out. As far as Allison goes, here's my take.

I met Allison during a time in my life when i was really kind of starting to feel like nothing good would come to me. She came to me, and it was amazing. Every moment i spent with her, was just amazing and i didn't have any worries in the world. Of course most people would say "you're crazy for letting her go," but as happy as i was, i just didn't feel like it was going to be a permanent thing. I don't know why. I can't explain it. And to this day, i cannot for the life of me begin to understand why things have worked out the way they did. I heard a quote, or something, that talked about how people come into your lives during a "season" for different reasons. (no rhyme intended) Do i truly believe that it was meant to be for us to meet. Yes. Absolutely. I learned many many things from Allison. One of them: The feeling of truly being loved, and to feel a love for someone "unico" (only...solely...). I know that in the future, I will be able to tell the difference between a "crush" and love, whereas I wouldn't have been able to before. Another thing, and although this is more on the physical side, I finally got my first kiss. AND for the record, it WAS amazing, and i DO NOT regret kissing her one bit. I was fortunate enough to be one of the lucky few people in this world who didn't have a "Wasted first kiss." I truly felt it meant something. It did mean something. She is an amazing kisser, and i truly do envy the guy that ends up with her. One other thing i really really learned was more of many things...i just learned what i want in my future wife. I know the qualities i will look for, and the qualities i need to have in my life. I know what i deserve now. I deserve someone like Allison. Someone that will love me unconditionally for who i am and what i stand for. Someone that loves our Heavenly Father as much as i do.

So my question to myself, and to any of you out there reading this: Why not Allison? You didn't give it enough time! Well sometimes time is just not needed to know. We could date for 2 years and i could feel the same way the whole time, and it would have been 2 years when either one of us could have found our future spouse. Like i said, i cannot answer this question. From the first time i had this "Doubt" i have not understood it at all. It doesn't make sense. But i do know how i feel, and how i've felt, and what i need in my life currently. I do not want to lose her of course, but it seems it was the best option for me, for us, to move on with our lives. I've never really "abandoned" someone before that i have liked, or had a thing with, or dated. I've normally stayed friends with them...well until now. And i'm hoping to do the same with her. I think we may need some time apart and such to get over it, but i know we can be good friends, even though it is not something she is used to. :)

Will i find someone exactly like her? I hope not, since no two people are exactly alike. Will i find someone who will hate to say good bye to me at 3 am? Maybe not. Will i find someone who can and will love me like she does/has? I sure hope so. I am sad, but i am happy too because i know things will work out for the best for both of us. She is an amazing person, and deserves someone amazing and will get it in her life. People come into our lives for a season, for a time, for a reason. For what that is, only we can know. I know why she came into my life, and no one can take that away from me. I will always cherish and hold close the experiences i shared with her.

So now that this stage of my life is over, for now, i'm not sure what will happen. Of course i will go on dating other girls. But i think now, i might have more confidence where as i may not have had much before. Yet another reason. Thanks to all of you who have cared, and shown interest in my well being. I find that more people read, or at least hear about my blog, than i may have previously thought. THANKS! And again, i'm just trying to go about my life and be good at it. Doing the best i can. Doing the best i know how!

A Tribute to a Wonderful Grandmother: Mary Elizabeth Sorenson Mabey Matern

Monday June 9, 2008 my Grandmother Mabey, as I've known her my whole life, passed away. It's bitter sweet though. For the past 15 or 16 years she has had to deal with health issues. She hasn't been able to eat food for 15 years, and has just fought through so much. 2 years ago she suffered a stroke, and her health just went downhill. All i know is she is better off now. I hope she got to eat something the minute she got to wherever it is she went.... i mean i know what the Church believes, and i know what i believe and know, but no one really knows how it is exactly you know? I really loved my Grandma. I did. It's weird how before someone dies, you don't realize how much you have loved them. I will truly miss her. I really don't have any pictures with her or anything, but i just pulled the one off of her obituary. She was an amazing woman. She knew how to follow the savior and taught us to do that as well. I will miss you Grandma.

After some consideration, i decided i need to write more about my Grandma. And since I'm at work, on a Saturday, and it's dead slow...thank goodness...I will do it now!

OK, so i think the best way to go about this would be to write about the things i remember most. The biggest thing i remember about my Grandma Mabey, was really how much i meant to her. I don't think i really understood how much she loved me, or any of us for that matter. She was always asking about us; "How's Jeffrey. How's Camille. How's Kevin. How's Kelly. How's Rebbecca. How's Renae...." etc. I know she always thought about us grand kids, and worried about us. The last time i saw here was on Mother's Day this year, which would have been May 11, 2008. I remember she came rolling in, in her wheelchair my uncle pushing her. I saw her, and actually was kind of excited. She got a smile on her face and said "how are you Jeffrey?" Come to think of it, she's really the only person that ever called me Jeffrey. My parents used to back in high school when i was a rebellious teenager, and they would yell at me by my full name...but those days are over :) I just remember giving her a hug and telling her how things were. I didn't talk to her much...now i wish i had. But i guess you live and learn right?

There were many times growing up, many experiences and funny situations my cousins and I found ourselves in with her. We all remember having sleep overs at Grandma's house, and one time specifically when we were up like at 2:00 am...not really a late late hour for me these days...but back then when you are a kid, and you were supposed to be asleep at like 10 or 11 because you were sleeping at Grandma's house, not usually a good thing. Anyway, so we were being rambunctious and we heard her bedroom door open, we were in the family room which was pretty far from her room thus giving us notice of her arrival. By the time she got there, we were all under our covers trying to hold back laughter. I'm sure she saw us, and probably knew we were faking it...but i don't remember if she said anything, or just left. I don't remember this experience exactly...but i do remember that it happened on more than one occasion.

Her favorite phrase was "when can i have an hour?" The funny thing, as my Dad mentioned at her funeral, was it was an hour...every time you talked to her. Another famous phrase was "special special." She thought we were all so special, and she really loved us a ton. Even though her life was kind of...crappy to say the least...and she was often not in a good mood, i know who she was underneath. She loved people. She was all about family. She was all about the important things. I was sad to see her go, but I know she is in a happier place with her sweetheart...whom I've never met, and cannot wait to meet one day. Supposedly she loved to dance and sing and i know she loved music. At her funeral, all the grand kids sang "I wonder when he comes again." It was pretty emotional for all of us, but we got through it and i know the spirit was strong.

I remember on my mission in Bolivia, i would get letters often from her. Many times containing a $5 bill which really isn't much...but in Bolivia it goes pretty far. I laughed a lot at the things she would write. See, letters took like 3 weeks to get to the mission. By the time i got the letter she had written, i already knew half of the things she wrote about just from my parents emails 2 weeks earlier. Or, things my family forgot to mention. For example: "It was so special going to Austins recital the other night. It's so neat he's taking voice lessons." (Oh and btw, all her letters were typewriter written...i don't think she ever touched a computer her entire life...) I was like..."what, Austin is taking voice lessons? That's cool...good thing my parents never tell me anything." It seems when one goes on a mission, the family forgets to include the small details of everyday life at home. That's life i guess. Anyway, my Grandma became famous in all my zones. All the missionaries would ask "como esta tu abuelita. Te mando dinero? Que me vas a comprar? jajaj broma" Basically, i didn't go a week without getting some kind of letter, whether it was from grandma, a friend, or my uncles Mission newsletter. I saved a ton of her letters. I don't know where they are currently, but i think i should find them and read through them. She always told me how much she loved me and how proud of me she was. She did make me feel special :)

Another childhood memory was McDonalds runs. Ok...not the runs you get from eating McDonalds, but going with Grandma to eat at McDonalds. She would take us to get happy meals. Sometimes, she would go to McDonalds, and just buy the toys...or buy a happy meal for herself, and save the toys for us. I remember there was a drawer in her kitchen that always had happy meal toys in it. I always rumaged...i wonder if anyone else did this? She always had a treat for us too. Whether it was Little Debbie Cupcake things, cream soda, Creamscicle bars, cookies, a Grilled Cheese sandwich, or whatever. There was always something.

My Grandpa Mabey passed away when my Dad was 16 or 17...something around that. So i've never known him...except maybe in heaven. Anyway, point being my Grandma remarried and was married to Walt Matern for 30 years. Amazing...really...it's just crazy though because they weren't married in the temple. Just for time. So now that she's gone, it's kind of like...goodbye Walt. Except, i don't think that will happen. He helped my Grandma so much, through so much ish and crap, without him...i don't know honestly how long she would have lasted. She got frustrated at times and threatened separation and what not, but in the end, i know she loved him. And he loved her. I remember about a year ago, when they both fell, and he broke both hips, he was hospitalized. Grandma was ok, but she was alone at home with Janet (Walt's daughter who decided to move in to take care of both of them). I remember we went and picked her up once, and took her to see him. She walked in, and walked to his side and sat down, held his hand and said "i've missed you. How are you. Are you ok? What can i do for you?" My Grandma, who herself was having major health and motor problems, wanted to help him. It was touching, and a side i really never saw between the two of them. I'm thankful for Walt. He helped her so much. I'm sure one day, my Grandpa Mabey will be able to hug him, and thank him for watching out for her and My Dad as well. (My Dad grew up partially with Walt in the home)

Well I think this does more justice to my Grandma. I can't think of anything else specific to say about her. Writing this has made me slightly emotional. I just know that she loved our family, she raved about the kids, the grand kids and all that we were to her. I know there were some familiy members who may have clashed with her at times, myself included. But we knew how much she loved us, and I know how much we loved her. We will miss her. We miss you already Grandma.

Dazed, Confused, Sad and in a Conundrum

So i know i told you all to keep a look out on the Allison Kaye Parker situation. Here is the update.

Monday May 26th, 2008

Even though it was a holiday, and i could have had it off work, i still decided to work. Time and a half has a nice ring to it. Allison and I both were extremely nervous for this day, we didn't know what to really expect. But honestly, it turned out to be one of the best days/dates of my life.

After a lot of annoying people calling me, i got off work around 1:00 pm. Since this is our first date, and to kind of have neutral ground and for convenience purposes, we decided to meet in Sandy for lunch at Chili's. I got there first, since Ally decided to be lazy and sleep in and take forever making herself pretty for me, but i didn't mind. Her being a little late, gave me a chance to do something i had been planning on doing for a long time and was really excited about: Buying her flowers. A long time ago, she had told me her favorite two flowers were White Roses and Pink Lily's. I had never forgotten, and found it only appropriate to buy some for her. I stopped in Draper at a flower store, and went and picked some out and had them wrapped up and put together nicely. I was pretty much freaking out, it was the first time i'd ever done such a thing. I just hoped she would like them. So i got to Chili's and decided to leave them in the car for after lunch when we left to go do whatever. I got to Chili's around 2:15 and just waited for her to get there. She texted me at 2:30 saying she was there. She walked in, and i looked around the corner and our eyes met for the first time. Of course we had a big hug, and just huge smiles on both of our faces. We sat down and just started talking. It was a little weird at first, just seeing how we were so used to talking on the phone or through other methods, but i still felt like there was a connection. Lunch went well. We talked, and laughed, and actually saw how the other reacted to certain things. It was great.

We left Chili's and went out to my car. I had mentioned to her during lunch that i had gotten her something....i didn't want to mention this, it just kind of slipped out. So when we got to the car, i walked with her to the passenger side and opened the door and reached in and pulled out the flowers. She was pretty happy about it, and said she loved them. I just really wanted this date to be special, and so far it was going well. I knew she would love them and it made me happy that she was happy. We got in the car, and started driving to our first activity. Duck feeding.

I have NO IDEA how we got on the topic of feeding ducks one night, but we decided it would be fun to do as part of our first date. Since it was raining, we didn't really think we would have much luck finding ducks anywhere. We went up to her friend Sarah's' apartment to see if the usual ducks would be out. We pulled up and saw 4 ducks in the pond, enough we figured to get some bread and feed. We went to a gas station, strike 1: No bread....what gas station doesn't have bread? Seriously. Luckily there happened to be a Smith's across the street, AND a bargain stand with really cheap bread. I think we got like a whole loaf and some rolls for like less than $2. It was amazing. We pulled up to the pond, and after sitting in the car listening to Muse for a little bit, we went to go feed our little friends. Strike 2: Apparently some ducks just aren't that intelligent. The stupid ducks in the pond would NOT come over to where we were throwing the bread. I don't know if they weren't hungry, or scared of us, or the rain made them afraid. Whatever it was, they didn't want bread. Lame. But we saw some other ones on the grass waddling around, and went and fed them....they must have been the smart Duck family. They got full and kind of walked away, so we walked around trying to find other ones to feed...Strike 3: No more ducks. We were ok with it though, since it was kind of dreary outside and our feet were cold (we were both wearing flip flops and it was raining). We were originally going to go to Boondock's, but since it was bad weather, it wasn't really the best option. We decided on Nickelcade....yeah hadn't been there since i was like 12.

Who knew with $5 in nickels, you could have so much fun! Of course the games weren't amazing, and some of them wouldn't even work together, but i think we spent more than half of our money on Time Crisis. The other half was on Basketball, driving games, pin ball, and other stuff It was pretty sweet. At the end, we wasted the last of our nickels on a game to try and win some tickets. Since we only had like 20 tickets total, and didn't really care to get a bouncy ball, we gave them away to little kids. We were walking out, and i chose my kid. I said hi to him and he looked at me like as if i were going to hurt him, then i handed him a bunch of tickets. His face lit up, and his sisters eyes bulged. It was a great feeling giving away 20 tickets :) After Nickelcade, we didn't really have a lot planned. Our only plan was to go to Indian Jones later that night around 8:30. We decided to go up to my parents house so i could show my mom pictures and videos from Spain, and so Allison could meet them. I know some of you might say "Wow she met your family on the first date..." but that really just is how my family roles. They are casual and friendly, and it's normal for them to meet dates. So we spent some time there, going through my pictures to Spain (which i still need to finish on here...) and then we all went to dinner together at Spaghetti Mama's down at Jordan Commons. Allison had a riot laughing at my brother, and at my parents, and at our family. Basically my family is crazy, and if you can laugh with us...you will fit right in :)

Indiana Jones was ok. It wasn't amazing. I know there are some people who would say it was the worst movie ever made, but i still think it was pretty good. It WAS after all Indiana Jones. You couldn't expect it to vary to far from the original feeling of the older movies, even if it DID have aliens in it. So the whole time, well from after lunch up until the end of the night, we were both just extremely comfortable with each other. Holding hands, cuddling, and what not. We just clicked, everything felt so normal, so natural. It was great. After the movie, we decided to go back up to my house to just kind of hang out some more, and just be with each other. I told her we had a pac-man machine at our house, and she was totally stoked to play it. We played Pac-man for about a half hour and just had fun together. Then we decided to watch the Muse concert (did i mention we are both huge fans of Muse?) that i had told her about. I gave it to my brother for his bday, so we had it at my parents house. We turned it on and sat down on the couch and were just cuddled and watched Muse be amazing on stage. I asked her if she would rub my shoulders for me, because they were in oodles of pain for whatever reason. They always are. During this time, i was just engrossed in the feeling of her touching me and easing my pain. She then decided to massage my head...yeah it was amazing. After this she just put her arms around me and decided to hold on to me for what seemed like forever, but was probably only a few minutes. The time spent with her, just doesn't feel like time at all. It just goes by and i wouldn't even know or care how long it was. After this experience, i got up and sat on the couch again, but this time with her laying down and resting her head on my chest. She turned around and looked up at me and just stared me in the eyes. During this time i just wanted to make her happy and do what i could to make her comfortable. I ran my fingers on her head and through her hair and just was happy to be around her. Ok...so the next part was pretty dang awesome. I was doing the above mentioned, and she opened her eyes and kind of caught me looking at her...she says i was staring, but that sounds stalkerish.....but i was looking at her. She asked "what are you thinking" i said "nothing really" Then she made a pouty face. If any of you know Allison, the pouty face is pretty much one of the funnies and most adorable things in the world. Anyway i said "if you don't get that pouty face off, i'm going to have to kiss it off." Then she made it again, and i kissed her. It was pretty much amazing....and since it was my first kiss, and not rushed, and really awesome, it just made the moment that much better. I forgot to mention, that this whole time my brother had been in the room, but with his back turned to us playing his computer game. All i know is heard him say something, i looked up and saw him whip around to his computer screen....yeah we got caught on 3 levels. 1. My first kiss. 2. Our first kiss. 3. By my BROTHER. It was pretty hilarious. We were laughing for like 10 minutes after that and kissed again but stopped so we would gross him out. We finished the concert, and left. I took her back to her car around 2:15 am. We talked for a minute, and then we kissed again. All the kissing this night, were pretty much amazing. I hadn't ever had previous experience with kissing, but what i do know is that it was better than what you see in the movies. It was awesome.

The next couple days were interesting. The whole reality of the situation kind of scared me a little bit, and i kind of got cold feet. But, i got over it and was way excited to go out with her again. The original plan was to go with her mom and work down to Wendover. I guess her mom works with elderly people, and every once in awhile they take the "Fun Bus" down to Wendover to gamble and what not. Since i really didn't want to gamble, and she had the day off anyway, she decided just to stay and spend the day with me. I had gotten work off also to go with her, so i didn't have to worry about it either.

The night before, we were up until i believe it was close to 4 or 5....yeah this was a normal occurrence up until this point. We both woke up around 11 and i made my way up there and got there around 12:30 or so. Basically she attacked me :) JK, but she just gave me a big hug and we went into her house. I met her sister Ashley, and saw the flowers and a little bit of her house. Then we talked and kissed for a little bit. We were sitting on the couch totally making out, when we heard the front door open. Anyone that has ever been caught kissing or making out, knows what it does to you and your heart. Basically you freak out, your heart starts racing and you start sweating. So her brother walks in, totally taken back at the sight of us. It wasn't anything gross or bad, it was just him being startled....he said hi and just kept walking. Basically that ended everything. We were, again, laughing hysterically and decided it was time to leave. We went out to eat at a Thai restaurant, enjoyed each others company, and then headed up to Salt Lake. We went to the planetarium and goofed around. Here's the only picture of us together in existence :)

We went to an I-max movie called "Mummies: The secret of the Pharaohs" or something like that. Honestly, it wasn't that good, but we really didn't care since we were just worried about us being together. After the movie, we went out and walked around in some of the stores at Gateway. She bought me ice cream, and some chocolate covered cherries for self...which i only ever saw her eat like 2 of....odd. Then we went to the Lovesac store, and were basically hounded to buy one... "I'll knock $50 off right now for you!" No thanks...I'll buy something when I WANT it not when YOU WANT me to. Our plan was to meet my sister and the guy she was dating, as well as my buddy Jake and his fiance, all for dinner. We met them at Olive Garden and had a lot of fun. Everyone got along, and was laughing, and just having a good time. Then we decided to go back up to our house to play games and do whatever. Since it was a Thursday night, it wasn't like everyone could be out way late or whatever. Jake had to work early, so they left around 10 or so. But it was fun just hanging out and being with other people too. ( we played a game and somehow Niga Turtles came up...ask Allison...hahaha)

So in a nutshell, those were the two nights. We ended the Thursday date watching Snow White (Ally hadn't seen it), cuddling, and kissing. We left my house around 1:00, and i got back to Provo around 2:15 am. It was a great night, and a great time. I felt so good after our date, that everything was going perfect and nothing could go wrong. We just have so much fun together, we get along, we are so similar it's scary, and everything was awesome. I just didn't think anything could happen....of course with that lead, anyone could tell what i will talk about next is that something did go wrong....it did, but it didn't at the same time. Let me explain.

Basically, Allison is the first person I've ever actually come to love. I know it's hard for anyone to accept that since I've only known her for 3 weeks, but i know it is possible. We talked so many nights til 2 or 3 am, some even til 5 or 6. We just know so much about each other, so many small details, so many things that we have trusted each other immensely. I really feel like i have a best friend. One that i can confide anything in, and tell anything and not worry about what they will think. My cousin once told me, to just become best friend with someone and when they are your best friend, the rest will follow. Now i don't know if it just my fear of being serious, commitment, getting hurt, wanting to date other girls, anything. I don't know. All i know, is my feelings as of right now are this. I love Allison Parker. Whether it be just as a person, a friend, a soul mate, or whatever you want to call it. I just know i haven't ever felt the way i do about her with anyone else. However, there is a side of me i can't explain. A side that tells me i still need to date other people. I have a couple theories about why these feelings arose. 1. Since it is my first time NOT BEING hurt, i could have a psychological problem making me think it will eventually get to the point where i will be hurt, and i'd better break it off before anyone else hurts me. 2. I'm not ready for commitment. It doesn't mean i CAN'T commit, i'm just not ready for a serious relationship. It's odd though, when you get something you want...then you have it and you realize you didn't actually want it yet...yeah kind of crazy. or 3. There is someone i need to help first before i can be serious with someone else. I don't know. It might be far fetched to say the spirit is telling me to date other people, date Allison, and just see where things go. But it's so hard. I know how she feels about me, i know how i feel, and i have an immense inner turmoil eating me away. I just need to figure this out. It's so hard and confusing and doesn't make any sense at all. I want to be with her, and not hurt her. I know i have already hurt her, and i already hurt myself. So anyway, that is the update on the Allison Kaye Parker situation.

Today during Bishop Interviews (i'm the exec. sec. of my ward, thus i'm there with the bishop while he does interviews, giving me time to do whatever i want) I wrote down my feelings. It just came out in lines...like a poem or something, bu not really...here i'll just write it and you can decide.

HOW CAN I FEEL THIS WAY, AFTER SO MUCH YOU HAVE PUT ME THROUGH. YOU LOOK INTO MY EYES, YOU'VE SEEN THE PAIN DEEP WITHIN MY SOUL. YOU CAN'T LET GO, I CAN'T SEE WHY. EVERYTHING MATTERS, NOTHING MATTERS. LIFE WILL GO ON, THE WORLD WILL COME TO A STOP. A HALT. A PAUSE. THE EARTH SPINS UNCONTROLLABLY. LAUGHING OUT LOUD UNCONTROLLABLY ECHOING IN SPHERES OF CHAOS AND WONDER. HEARTS POUNDING. FINGERS TREMBLING. TEARS FALLING. SHAKY VOICES. ROSES BLOOMING. IN THIS WORLD OF CHAOS, WE ARE BUT A SMALL PART OF AN UNFATHOMABLE UNIVERSE. POUNDING, SWIRLING, EVER CHANGING. SILENCE IS BLISS TO HER EARS. BEING WRAPPED IN HIS ARMS, NO CARES OR WORRIES IN THE WORLD. THIS IS ALL SHE REALLY WANTED. TO BE LOVED BY ONE WITHOUT ANY WORRY, OR ANY FEAR OF BEING LOST IN A WORLD OF HURT. NEVER BEFORE WAS A STRONGER LOVE KNOWN IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. YET THE WORLD CALLS. NO ONE KNOWS WHY, OR CAN UNDERSTAND THE REASON. NEITHER ONE OF THEM CAN COMPREHEND THE WHY, THE HOW, THE REASON. IS THERE A REASON? WHY CAN'T THIS BE EASY. WHY CAN'T IT ALL MAKE SENSE. AREN'T' WE HERE TO BE LOVED? WHAT DOES THE WORD LOVE MEAN. IS IT JUST, TO BELIEVE, LOVE IS ONLY A FEELING? LOVE IS AN ACTION. LOVE IS A SUBSTANCE YOU CAN BREATHE IN, EAT, DRINK, TOUCH. LOVE IS REAL. HURT IS REAL. PAIN IS REAL. WHY DO TWO OPPOSITE WORDS GO SO WELL TOGETHER. THEY WALK HAND IN HAND. IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS WAY. IT IS NOT FAIR. THE ANIMALS DO NOT GO THROUGH THIS. IS IT BETTER TO HAVE NO EMOTIONS? TO LIVE THE LIFE A DOG, A CAT, A FROG, A MOUSE. THE ONLY WORRY OF LIFE IS TO EAT AND SLEEP. TO FALL IN A SLUMBER OF DEEP DREAMS, NEVER WISHING, NEVER WONDERING OR FALTERING ABOUT ANYTHING. THE BLISS OF BEING IN LOVE . THE JOY OF FEELING LOVED. YET IT CAN NOT BE. THE REASON UNKNOWN, BUT ACCEPTED. TIME WILL PASS. THEY WILL MOVE ON. PERHAPS ONE DAY, THEY WILL KNOWS, AND COME TO TERMS OF PEACE, PERHAPS IN THE ARMS OF ANOTHER, PERHAPS IN THE ARMS OF EACH OTHER. ONLY TIME WILL TELL. LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST, THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT. TO BE HAPPY, IS TO BE ALIVE. TO BE ALIVE IS TO BE A PART OF THIS WORLD AND GOD'S PLAN.

That's it. It's all scattered, and probably doesn't make sense. But it makes sense to me, and i promise on my life that it will all make perfect sense to Allison. I wrote it all in caps because that's how i wrote it on paper. It took up two sides of a page. The words were just coming to me, and spewing out of my pen. I felt like a writer...it was quite intriguing.

So anyway mi gente, that's my update. I'm sorry it wasn't the best blog ever. But i feel good about it. I know things will work out for the best. I know what will happen will happen, and if things are meant to be, well they will become what they will. I'm just trying to live life and be good at it the best i can and know how!

Allison Kaye Parker

Whoa what? A girls name for the TITLE of a blog entry? What does this mean? Well i don't know, i guess titles to blogs usually tell what they are about right? Well i guess you have your answer then.

In today's ever changing world, there are so many ways people meet people. Through school, church, extracurricular activities, being social, clubbing (one thing I've never been into but I'm sure some people get into), and a plethora of other ways as well. Among that plethora, there is something called online dating. Many people do it, many people don't, many people love it, many people hate it. The fact of the matter is, it's really not much different than going to a club by yourself, where you don't know anyone, and meet a new friend, a boyfriend/girlfriend, or just an acquaintance. In all honesty, i never thought i would be one to go online looking for someone to date. But seeing how anyone I've ever dated before hasn't been up to the standards i set, or for whatever reason....look, simply said: Dating is annoying and sucks no matter how you look at it. That is until you find a special person, and you're whole world turns around and makes you wonder why it was so hard to find this person.

As Defined by Dictionary.com:
Soul Mate: 1. A person with whom one has a strong affinity;2. One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity.

Lets dive deeper ok?

Affinity:

1.	a natural liking for or attraction to a person, thing, idea, etc.

2.	a person, thing, idea, etc., for which such a natural liking or attraction is felt.

3.	relationship by marriage or by ties other than those of blood (distinguished from consanguinity).

4.	inherent likeness or agreement; close resemblance or connection.

5.	Biology. the phylogenetic relationship between two organisms or groups of organisms resulting in a resemblance in general plan or structure, or in the essential structural parts.

6.	Chemistry. the force by which atoms are held together in chemical compounds.

1 and 2 are basically the same thing. Basically, an affinity is an attraction for whatever reason. Usually a natural feeling, or reason
3 is more of a bigger perspective view. In the dating world, of course it generally leads to marriage. Of course not in all cases, but if 2 people have an affinity, why not get married right?
4 is pretty interesting. Inherent Likeness or agreement. Lets dive deeper!!
Inherent-existing in someone or something as a permanent and inseparable element, quality, or attribute.
A PERMANENT and INSEPARABLE "Something." Something that doesn't go away. Something that stays with anything forever. For example, Females Inherently conceive children and give birth. A male cannot by any REAL means give birth. Ok you could probably argue "What about hermaphrodites born with both parts?" Or "Haven't you seen the movie Junior?" Both arguable points, but in any natural, normal, selection it is impossible for a male to conceive a child, carry a fetus, and give birth. Ok...so I'm off on a tangent, back to the main issue.
5 is rather fascinating don't you think? Who would have thought you could get down to a biological stance when talking about a soul mate. But i guess it makes sense, since the world basically thrives on the idea of things living together in a given place and/or time, with pro-creation and, the circle of life. I could go into what Phylogenetic means, but i really don't want to....you want me to? Jeeze...OK
Phylogenetic:the development or evolution of a particular group of organisms.
So basically if you get down to it, Affinity could mean the evolution of organisms living together in a given environment, or whatever you want to call it. Ok I'm done trying to sound smart now.

Basically my point and question is this: Is there such a thing as a soul mate? Well according to our little study and research, a "Soul Mate" could be anyone that shares similar characteristics and traits, where there is a natural attraction or liking to the given person. So seeing how there has been a certain flow to this blog entry, let me get to my main point.

I met a girl online one day a few months ago named Kamee Price. I went out a few times with her, thought things were going well, then for whatever reason she disappeared off the face of the planet. I don't know what her deal is, or what happened. Things were going really well, at least i thought. I suppose she has some growing up and maturing to do, and has some issues in her life she needs taking care of, and probably a variety of other reasons as well. Well since i haven't heard from her basically since i got back from Spain, and even then it was very limited, i ultimately decided to move on and start dating other people again. I hadn't really stopped yet, but as i was interested in her and wanted to see where things would go, i was devoting most of my "dating" time to her to see if things would progress. I rejoined the previous website where i met Kamee to see if i would have any chance at meeting someone again. I really wasn't taking it seriously, and was looking for other people in different social situations i found myself in here in Happy Valley AKA P-town AKA Provo. But guess what, as much as it may surprise you, things just weren't going that well at all. I wasn't down or anything, i just knew it wasn't my time yet and felt like something could come up soon. Well it did.

I met a girl named Allison Kaye Parker on May 9th, 2008. The only reason i know that date is because that's the date i first received what Online Dater call "flirts". Really not a tactic to actually meeting people in my opinion. It's kind of like throwing a fish hook in a lake without bait on it. I mean it's there, and if the fish takes it, awesome. If not, well i guess you get the bait right? Well usually i don't pay attention to flirts just because it's usually people w/ no pictures trying to get a nibble. Well i looked at some i had the day in question, and saw a flirt from Allison. I saw her picture and thought "This can't be right...really." So i looked at her profile and decided to write her a message. I think she responded to the message, but something just really basic. Then i responded back, and never heard from her for a couple days. Then i got online one night, and she was online and available to chat. So, i said hi. (I feel like I'm telling a suspense story...although it's not a suspense story...but it could be!) We started talking, and i don't remember very well, but i think we just talked for a little bit the first night. It's gone flying up hill from there

Basically for the last week and a half of my life, i have discovered a person who i feel truly is, by definition above, a soul mate. We have so much in common. We think alike. We know what the other is going to say before they say it. We feel the same about so many different things, it almost seems surreal. It feels like a fantasy. How is it possible to get to know someone SO well in just such a short period of time, that you literally and honestly feel like you have known them you're entire life, or longer. Anyone that knows me, knows i like to believe things happen for a reason. It doesn't have to be that God set the stone rolling in motion, and made things happen, but simply things happen for a reason and at the given time because if they happened any other time, it wouldn't have the same effect. I have various example from my mission, current situation, school, mission, etc. Whether big or small, things do happen for a reason.

I can't say what's going to happen in the future. I can't see the future. All i know, is that for now, things with Allison are so awesome. We haven't stopped talking since we met. Whether it has been talking online, through texting, and yes people EVEN on the phone, we haven't stopped or had a dull or awkward moment. I feel like i can tell her anything, and i know she feels the same. A really great friend once told me he met his wife, and they became best friends first and then things progressed from there. Right now I have a new best friend. Jake Beuchert is getting married. Mike Bready is getting married. I'm losing 2 best friends. I know I'm really not losing them, but in a way i am. They will be marrying their new best friends and be with them 24/7, loving and cherishing them. It's really been hurting me lately just realizing i will be losing them. I will still see them, but it will be different. Allison is also losing a best friend. Her name is Sarah, and ironically, she is marrying a guy named Jeff. The timing with us meeting was right on, it happened when it did for a reason. Again i can't say I'm going to marry her, of course we have only even KNOWN each other for a week and a half. We haven't even met yet for crying out loud (That will be happening on Monday May 26th, 2008. Thank goodness for holidays...) Even though i feel like i know everything about her, i know i have barely scratched the surface of who she is. I'm so excited to meet her, and get to know her on a different level. Hey, maybe things won't work out in the long run. But for now, they are awesome and I haven't been this happy in such a long time, maybe ever. So keep your eyes peeled for more updates on the Allison Kaye situation :)

PS. I know i need to get another blog entry up on Spain, I've just been SO busy with school and work and life, i just haven't had time. In fact I'm putting off homework right now to write this. But this couldn't wait, since many of you have asked me recently about my dating situation, i had to share it.

Stepping Out

No, not out of the closet. But a bubble. What kind of bubble? Well i guess there aren't many bubbles you can step out of. I know that I actually am a pretty social person, but i'm not usually one to actually make an effort to make friends. It just sort of happens for me. I think other people just automatically sense that i'm a friendly person and that they can talk to me, and even share things with me. It's kind of uncanny how people seriously just randomly open up to me. I don't mind it at all, i think it's just one of the talents the Lord has given me. So anyway, the reason i'm even talking about this....
Tonight we had a ward activity. We went up the canyon to a park, and made tinfoil dinners and just played outdoors games and stuff. Since it is spring/summer term right now, basically Summer Semester, and there is like no one around, the stake joined our ward with another ward. Since our ward is mostly full of people that are already working in a career or older and more established, they thought the other ward would be way small and joining it with ours would make things nice. Well, the other ward anticipated only having at maximum like 50 people there for this coming semester, but it really turned out they have a huge ward still. So joined with our ward, now the combined ward is extremely massive, thus making it even harder to get to know people. So anyway, tonight at our ward party i kind of made it a point to try and get to know some of the people there. I mean i honestly still don't know even half the people in my own ward, but i guess you can never really get to know everyone. So tonight i just really thought, you know, i have no reason to not make friends with other people. We were playing Frisbee, and had been playing like seriously over an hour or so, even longer than that, so i got pretty tired. I went over to get some water, there was none, and there was a girl sitting there just watching people play so i went and sat down and started talking to her. She wasn't really my type, and when i realized that...i guess you could say my normal reaction would be to kind of break away and go play again, or distract myself....probably not right or a good thing? I don't know. But i decided to just sit down and talk to her. Who doesn't like to sit and talk with a new friend right? Basically she just opened up to me. Even she was like "i don't know why i'm telling you all this stuff." Kind of validated my knowledge of how easy it is for people to trust me. I could probably get into trouble, and abuse this gift i have, but I use it wisely and i enjoy being a person people confide in. So anyway, now when i'm at church and i see her, i will be able to say "Hi Laura, how are you doing?" And she will feel happy because we are friends now. I also made another friend, Emily, while we were eating dinner. She's pretty cool, and she brought her dog with her, which made an easy in cuz i love dogs. She, i normally would take interest in, but she may have come along to late..... I will keep you in suspense. Just know for now that there is a girl named Allison, and she is amazing! :)

My Day. Today.

My day today: (roughly)

7:00 am-Alarm on cell phone goes off, and i look at it thinking "Today....i can turn it off and go back to sleep as long as i want." Oh the glory of having no work today.

10:00 am-Stereo alarm goes off to get me up so i can be productive. What do i do? Anyone want to guess? yep, i turned it off and went back to sleep. Oh it was amazing.

11:30 am-I hear the doorbell ring...that's odd, no one EVER rings our doorbell. I hear some voices out by the front door, then i hear a knock on my door. My new roommate is like "hey i think there is a package for you, I'm not sure though cuz it has the address off by 2 #'s" All i could think was...*dude, I'm sleeping...can't you tell that? I mean i know it's 11:30, but my door is closed and have you seen me yet?* Although i suppose it was good that he woke me up, other wise my day would probably been a complete waste....which i guess wouldn't have been so terrible, other than i did have stuff to do.

12:00 pm-Finish the episode of Lost i started last night, now i have 1 to go to get caught up...except with today being Thursday it seems I'm 2 behind again. Oh well.

1:30 pm- After reconnecting w/ an old friend from high school, through facebook, i decided to get up and freaking get ready for the day. Jenny Dal Soglio...i think i spelled it right? Anyway...she was a friend from school back in the day. She had been married, so the name on her profile i didn't recognize. But i guess she just got divorced, which is unfortunate, but it was neat to get to talk to her again after so many years...especially considering i had a crush on her in 7th grade :)

2:00 pm-$5 footlong sub from Subway. Oh baby. Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki. AMAZING. While i enjoyed this delectable sub, i watched the movie called The Last Castle. It was pretty good. It had the guy from The Sopranos in it, and a couple other famous actors. It reminded me a lot of Shawshank Redemption, but really only til the end...cuz the end was way different. Both good movies though. Shawshank is probably one of my favorite movies of all time. I recommend it if you haven't seen it.

4:00 pm-Go into my room to do my homework, but ha...did i start it? No. I think i got stuck talking to someone on facebook...freaking facebook chatting thing...i actually love it, but it's annoying cuz it makes facebook a billion times more distracting now. Oh well.

5:00 pm-6:30 pm- Did Spanish homework...well i got caught up, and finally got to the point the class is at. It sucks when you wait to get your book til the first day of class, then you go to get it and they are out, so you have to pay full price because they have to order it for you AND you have to wait for it. Luckily it's only a handbook, and was only $20. But waiting for it was inconvenient and annoying. But getting caught up, and understanding more or less what the guy was talking about, makes the class that much better. That class is pretty cool in itself. Spanish Phonetics. I remember a guy from work telling me it was worthless and boring when he had it, but I'm guessing i have a different teacher cuz the guy is freaking funny and makes the class actually interesting.

6:30-7:30-I recently started watching the show Bones. (watch it here) It's pretty interesting, and it makes me want to be a forensic detective. She's such a genius. So i spent this hour watching an episode of the show. Again, i highly recommend it. I'm only 5 episodes into the first season, but it's pretty awesome. I don't understand how people can start a show NOT at the first season. Even if each episode is a story of its own, there is still character development and plots that continue throughout episodes that i think make a series what it is. That's my 2 cents.

7:30-9:00- Read for my history class. Really, this history class i'm in, normally i don't think i'd enjoy it. But seeing how it's spring term, and there is literally like 10 people in my class total, it makes the class pretty cool. We get into some pretty deep discussions about the issues we are discussing. For instance we talked about slavery the other day. We got into basically if there really was a moral issue with it, or if it was wrong, or right, or things like that. The people back in the day REALLY didn't see it as being a bad thing. I mean people have been enslaved throughout all periods of history. I'm not going to say it's right, and it ever has been, or ever will be, but there are people that would argue differently. The Lord used slavery to punish his people for a long long time. So you know, it's just in how you look at it.

9:00-10:00 pm-Watched Planet Earth ON BLUE RAY w/ Ace and Bob, while eating a soup Mike had made for himself and Becky for their date night. The combination of the two, was pretty awesome. The soup was really really really good, and Planet Earth on Blue Ray....well it doesn't get much better than that. We learned there is a creature that dwells who knows how far down in the ocean, called "The (something) squid from Hell. I'll get the exact name from Ace....but seriously, the Blue Ray makes SUCH a big difference. I don't know how I'll ever be able to go back again...

10:00 pm-now-Goofing off online and talking to random people.

Ok so those times are basically REALLY rough estimates. Of course i didn't write down the times and exactly what i was doing. I think some of it may actually be out of order? And i think i watched Bones twice, not just once...but anyway. I think my day was full of pretty random and kind of relaxing stuff. I just needed to prove i'm living life and trying to be good at it. I really am going to write about the second half of my Spain trip. I just haven't gotten around to it yet. Don't be a hater. I'm gunna go see what movie mike and becky got. Later!